


I've never heard silence quite this loud

by thereisnoreality



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: F/M, M/M, but not really, happy ending i swear, slight morgana/arthur, this was written under the influence of non stop taylor swift so
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-25
Updated: 2015-05-23
Packaged: 2018-03-31 19:37:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3990223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thereisnoreality/pseuds/thereisnoreality
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin is Arthur's saving grace. </p><p>He doesn't realize it at first, only sees the awkward, bumbling idiot that Merlin hides behind. He doesn't see the scars, the burns and cuts that adorn Merlin's body from years of protecting him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I've never heard silence quite this loud

**Author's Note:**

> This was written mostly with Taylor Swifts saddest songs on constant replay... yeah. Um- kind of betaed, in the sense that my friend looked over it and basically made dying noises at me, so all mistakes are my fault. I'll shut up now.

Arthur learns at a very young age that there are some advantages to being the crown prince of Camelot. There are things he say and do that others cannot say and do. He also discovers that while there are many good things about being the crown prince of Camelot, there are many less fortunate things about being _Arthur_.

Very quickly he learns that while Uther loves him, he doesn't necessarily have time to show that love, too consumed with running a kingdom, and while he has friends, he doesn't really have friends. The kind you can whisper all your secrets to, safe in the knowledge that they will be kept secret. ~~Arthur's secrets burn inside him, suppressed after years and years of practice.~~

So Arthur very quickly falls in love with fighting, falls in love with the feeling of being equal to every other knight, falls deeply, madly in love with the feeling of sword gripped tight in his hand, with the burning ache that accompanies his body after every hard training session. He falls in love with the roar of the crowd after tournament, with the simple happiness that fills his heart after he lowers his sword, his arms burning and chest heaving.

***  
Morgana is a sister, a friend, a confidante and an enemy all rolled into one. She is the person who teaches Arthur that his inability to love another person isn't something to be ashamed but rather to be used.

"If you don't let other people touch you, they can't hurt you." Morgana tells him fiercely, as they hide from their teachers intent on forcing various horrid lessons of wars and social niceties upon them. Arthur nods and thinks that Uther was lucky that Arthur was born broken, because Morgana would have come to Camelot and shattered every piece of him.

Morgana also becomes Arthur's first kiss. They sneak out of the castle to the edges of the river and stay there for the better part of a day. It's just becoming dark, the bottom of the orange sun dipping into an indigo horizon when Morgana suddenly turns to Arthur and kisses him. It goes on for about three seconds when Morgana pulls back and surveys Arthur critically.

"Well?" Morgana asks, eyes luminous in the near night.

Arthur shrugs. He tries to dredge up some kind of feeling, some _response_  to the feeling of Morgana's lips against his own but comes up with nothing. Morgana looks disappointed, but she never brings it up again.

***

Merlin is... something else.

He is sharply sarcastic with soft eyes that belie his harsh words. He insults Arthur left and right, but only in the privacy of his chambers, and in public only ever where no one else hears him.

Arthur is grateful because he knows how Uther works. Uther will take Merlin away and strip him down to the very core and then break him with a single command. Uther will make sure Merlin never stays Merlin -not if he isn't the very definition of a perfect manservant.

  
***

Merlin is Arthur's saving grace.

He doesn't realize it at first, only sees the awkward, bumbling idiot that Merlin hides behind. He doesn't see the scars, the burns and cuts that adorn Merlin's body from years of protecting him.

He only realizes when he sees Merlin standing above him, hand outstretched in front of the Great Dragon, eyes glittering in the pale alcove of his face. Arthur doesn't realize it then, but the sudden swoop in his stomach, and the hard beating of his heart that has nothing to do with the dragon above him all signal the same thing.

Arthur lov-

***

Arthur is furious.

He leads Merlin into his chambers and waits for the door to shut before slamming Merlin up against the wall.

" _You fucking idiot_ " He snarls, fists knotted in the soft, worn fabric of Merlin's tunic.

Merlin looks back at him silently, eyes glimmering with faint remnants of gold and all the secrets he's kept from Arthur all these years. "I couldn't tell you."

Arthur swallows hard, eyes dropping to where Merlin's neckerchief has unraveled leaving the long, pale expanse of his neck bare. "What the fuck does that mean?" He grits out, forcing his eyes back to Merlin, rage boiling up in him anew.

"It means I couldn't tell you. What would you have done?" Merlin asks, still unnervingly calm despite the fact that Arthur is ready to strangle him.

"What would I have-" Arthur breaks off and rips himself away from Merlin, skin stinging with the loss of contact. "I would have helped you, you utter idiot!" He yells, helplessness and anger rising up in an overwhelming tide.

Merlin stays against the wall. "I couldn't take that chance. In case you haven't noticed, I quite like having my head attached to my body Arthur." His face is still as stone, quiet against the rage that Arthur emits.

Arthur feels something in him shatter at that. "I wouldn't have- Merlin." He says hoarsely and crosses to where Merlin stands. "I wouldn't have told my father." He says finally, staring into Merlin's eyes willing him to understand.

He wants to touch him again so badly, but forces himself to stay away, because this, this is the one thing he won't allow himself ruin. Merlin is the one thing he is never allowed to have.

Merlin finally drops his eyes. "I'm leaving Arthur." Arthur opens his mouth to speak, to argue, force Merlin to stay here because if Merlin leaves, he will take all of Arthur with him.

"Don't" Merlin says desperately, and for the first time Arthur sees the hurt spring up in Merlin's eyes.

He moves backward, and lets Merlin walk away and take all of Arthur with him. Lets him shut the door gently behind him.

Arthur feels like he's breaking into pieces.

  



End file.
